This Is Entirelly My Fault, I'm So Sorry- A Phan Fiction
by deans-special-angel
Summary: In a robbery gone wrong, Phil is dead. Or is he? As time passes, Dan starts to get over his best friends and lovers death and begins to live again. And then the past comes back to haunt him
1. Chapter 1

**One**

**Dan**

_BANG!_

I jerked awake, startled at the loud noise. Rubbing my eyes, I glanced around me. I was in the lounge, asleep on one of the couches. Phil was on the other, fast asleep. The theme music to High School Musical played loudly, repeating over and over and over again.

Quietly, I stood up and padded to the kitchen, where the noise sounded from. Something wasn't right. I could feel it in my bones, something wasn't right here. I stood flat against the wall and edged over to the kitchen, quickly peeking in to see if anyone was there.

A man was standing there, shoveling things into a large bag. My breath caught in my throat and I ran back to Phil, shaking him awake.

"Phil. Phil, wake up." I hissed, thankful for the loud music in the background. I shook him slightly, "Phil!"

"Hmm? What?" Phil asked groggily, opening one eye and peering at me, "Dan?"

"Someone is in the flat. Come on, wake up. Call the police or something." I whispered.

Phil's eyes went wide and then his face paled. "Shit." He whispered. He got off the couch and stretched slightly, "Where is he?" He hissed to me.

"Kitchen. Go call the police or something." Phil nodded and quickly padded to his room.

I took a deep breath and started back to the kitchen. Peering into the room, I looked around for him, only to realise he was no where to be seen. My heart started to race, where did he go!? Maybe he left?

I made my way back to the lounge and turned off the TV, trying to figure out where this bastard was.

I stood there for a minute or two in silence, just listening. Phil should be back by now. Where was he?

I hesitated for a moment and then made my way to Phil's room. I was just about to open the door when I heard a strangled scream. I felt my heart stop. Oh my god. Phil!  
I pushed the door open to see the man crouched in front of a mangled body. Blood poured out of an open wound in Phil's chest. The man turned to face me, an evil smile on his lips.

"Well, well, well." He muttered, standing and making his way towards me. I took a step back and was flattened against the door. Fuck. The man was holding a knife. It was covered in blood. Phil's blood. "Too bad about your friend here." He motioned to Phil with the knife. He smiled, "Too bad about you too." He started at me in a run and I side stepped him. The knife dug into the wall where I had just been standing and the man grunted in annoyance.

I ran out of the room and to the kitchen, looking around wildly for anything that could give me any sort of defense at all. I picked up the first thing I saw, a chopping board. Great Dan, great.

The man walked into the kitchen calmly, stopping when he saw that I was holding up a chopping board like a weapon. He chuckled slightly and raised an eyebrow, "Really?"

I bit my lip and held the chopping board out in front of me, making my way towards the door. "Ge-Get away fr-from me." I cried, hating how my voice wobbled.

The man smirked, "What are you going to do with a chopping board?"

I ignored him and spun around, running full pelt to the door. Suddenly, air rushed past my ears and I glanced up to see the knife sticking out of the wall. He had missed me!

I grabbed it and yanked it out of the wall, holding it out threateningly in front of me. I walked backwards to the door and pulled it open. The man still followed me, smiling slightly. His smile creeped me out.

"Well... I see this is goodbye." The man grinned and then put out his hand, "I would like my knife back, please." He told me. When I hesitated he rolled his eyes, "Like I would kill you. I would rather leave you to grieve for your dead... friend. Well... Not really a friend, is he? More like a sexual partner. Oh, what's this? You loved him, didn't you? Yes... You did. But did he love you back?"

I gritted my teeth and slowly passed him over his knife. The man nodded to me and then walked to the elevator. "Good night!" He called to me as the elevator door closed.

I stared at the closed metal doors for a moment before the memory of Phil covered in blood popped up in my head again.

I ran into the apartment building and into his room. He was laying there, gasping for breath on the floor, his phone in his hand. The number was in the dialler, but hadn't been rung yet.

"Phil! Phil, oh my god." I whispered, kneeling down beside him. I pressed my hand against the wound and felt the blood seep between my fingers and run down my hand.

"Dan..." Phil wheezed, barely able to keep his eyes open.

"Shh, shh. It's okay. I'll call the ambulance, okay?" I murmurer to him, taking the phone from his hand and pressing call. A cool feminine voice answered almost straight away. I told her where we were and then hung up.

"Dan... I... love..." Phil struggled to make the words, his breathing becoming more ragged and softer with each breath he took.

"No, shh. Phil, listen to me. Be quiet, okay? It will hurt less that way." I drew my hand through his hair and kissed him lightly on the forehead, "I love you." I whispered.

"I... Too..." He coughed violently.

My hold on him tightened, "Okay... Okay..." I soothed him and continued to do so until the ambulance came and took Phil away on a stretcher.

"Dear, you're going to have to come with us." I looked up to see a woman standing over me, holding out a hand. I looked at it stupidly until she grabbed my hand and made me stand up. "Come on."

"Phil!" I screamed, "I need to see Phil!" I struggled against her, trying to get to Phil who was slowly getting taken down the elevator.

"You will see Phil, but right now you have to come with me." She led me to the elevator and tried to calm my hysteric babbling.

"Phil..." I sobbed, collapsing to the floor of the elevator, making it jump slightly. "This is all my fault."

"No it's not, dear." The woman said, helping me stand and letting me rest my weight on her. I sagged against her, losing all the will to live anymore.

I must have passed out or something, because I woke up in a strange room. It was white... Too white. And the bed was lumpy.

I looked around, trying to figure out where I was. What had happened? Something... Something to do with Phil...

Suddenly it all came back to me. I bolted upright and sprung out of bed, wobbling slightly on my feet. I raced to the door and ripped it open to see a bustling hallway. People walked briskly up and down it, all having some place to be.

"Daniel Howell?" I turned to see a middle aged man smiling at me slightly, "You're up."

"Where is Phil?" I demanded. When the man didn't answer I yelled, "Where is he!?"

"He is... Oh, Daniel, I am so sorry."

**I'm sorry! I know, this is my first phan ever and I bet you already hate me. Am I right? Yeah, don't worry, I got the same reaction on wattpad xD So, yeah. I hoped you somewhat enjoyed that. Until next time :3**

**-Leena**


	2. Chapter 2

**Two**

**Dan**

Those six words shattered my heart and my world. No... He can't be dead. No! I felt myself start to shake and I sunk to the floor, my head in my hands.

I didn't care that I was in the middle of a busy hospital or that people were looking at me sympathetically, the only thing I cared about was Phil. He was dead. No one else mattered apart from him.

"Daniel... I'm sorry." The doctor frowned and held out a hand for me, I took it and stood up, "I know that he meant a lot to you."

I nodded once and then turned and walked away. Tears were streaming down my face and I was shaking like mad. I felt numb. I felt like the one thing that was keeping me sane was gone... Which it had. Phil kept me happy. He was like my happy charm. I loved him with all my heart, and now he was gone. Ripped away from me and never to be given back.

I caught a taxi home and just sat there in silence. I think I was still in shock, I don't know, but I literally couldn't talk. I wrote down my address on my phone for the taxi driver and watched the world go past out the window as we drove. Everyone looked so happy, playing with their loved ones while _my _loved one was in a morgue somewhere ready to be cremated or something.

"Here we are, sir." The taxi driver said, shaking me out of my thoughts. I smiled slightly at him and paid him the right amount of money and then made my way up to the apartment. I didn't really want to go in there, but where else could I go? No where.

I didn't want to see anyone. Not PJ, not Chris, not Alex or Carrie. No one. I just wanted to sit there and cry over Phil.

I unlocked the door and looked around the flat. It was a mess from the struggle the robber had caused. A sudden rage took over me. It was his fault Phil was dead! I wanted to hurt him, hurt the robber like he hurt Phil. I wanted him dead.

I roamed around the house in a furious bubble until a knock at the door popped it. I paused and quickly walked towards it. I peeked through the peek hole and groaned when I saw PJ, Chris and Carrie standing there. I didn't want to see them. Not now anyway. I just wanted to be alone.

"We know you're there, Dan." PJ called, knocking again.

"Yeah, you can't hide from us, mate." Chris said.

I sighed and pulled open the door. All of them looked at me in surprise and then I was pulled into a huge hug.

"Why did this have to happen? Phil was so innocent." Carrie sobbed into my shirt. I patted her back awkwardly and felt like crying with her. "Phil never hurt anyone."

I bit my lip and glanced at Chris and PJ who were looking uncomfortable. My look was a desperate one. I wanted Carrie off me before I cried with her. "Carrie, love, come on." PJ whispered, tugging Carrie away from me and leading her down the hall.

"Come here." Chris said, pulling me into a quick hug before stepping back and smiling sadly at me, "You hungry?"

I stared at him in disbelief. My best friend just died and he was talking about food!? What the hell? "Uh..."

"I bet you haven't eaten at all. I'll buy us all some pizza. Come on." Chris said, pulling my arm and leading me to where PJ and Carrie where hugging down the hall. Carrie was still crying, tears falling like a waterfall down her cheeks. They both glanced up when we stopped in front of them. "We're going to mine to get some pizza. Come on."

We all walked to Chris's car in silence. It was a comfortable silence though, we were all just in our own little worlds. I was thinking about all the good times Phil and I had. All the cute kisses and the video games and the videos we made. I froze, making everyone turn towards me.

"The fans." With those two words, all their faces turned to those of horror. Phil's fans, philions, were going to die. They loved him almost as much as I did, maybe even more for some of them.

"Shit." PJ muttered, running a hand through his hair. "We should... We should tell them."

"How though?" Chris asked. Carrie started to cry again, harder this time. Huge sobs racked through her body.

"A... A video?" I suggested. I didn't want to do it over twitter. I hated doing things like that over twitter and this was important to me. He was my best friend. No more phan or amazingphil. It just hurt me to think about it.

PJ nodded and then we continued to the car, the mood even lower if that was possible.

We reached Chris's house in under ten minutes. There was no traffic on the roads and we got almost every single green light, and for that I was grateful. I didn't want to be in this car anymore. We all piled out of the car and made our way into the house and just stood there, not knowing what to do now.

"I'll order the pizza." Chris muttered and then walked off with his phone in his hand. PJ, Carrie and I decided to get set up for this damn video. We grabbed the lighting and the cameras. We didn't bother writing a script of what to say, we would just say it as it came to our heads.

"This should go on my channel." I told them, biting my lip.

"Are you sure?" PJ asked, looking over to me from setting up the camera on its stand.

I nodded and sat on the floor. I had the most subscribers out of all of us and most people knew of Phil who watched me, more that people on Carrie's, PJ's or Chris's channel.

Chris came back and we all sat in front of the camera. Carrie was trying not to cry and so was I. I didn't want to cry for my danosaurs, but I probably will.

"You ready?" Chris asked, standing up and moving towards the camera. I nodded once and he pressed record.

"I... Hey guys. We have some... terrible news today." I started, my voice shaking. Carrie grabbed my hand and squeezed it and I smile sadly at her. "You all know Phil, right? Yeah, well... The other day..." And then I explained everything. Carrie started to cry again and I let a few tears trickle down my cheeks. PJ and Chris just sat there, trying not to cry and looked anywhere but at the camera or at me. "He's... He's dead, guys." I almost whispered. It didn't feel real. Phil couldn't be dead. But he was. The doctor wouldn't lie to me.

Chris got up and turned off the camera and that's when I broke down. I fell to the floor and just cried until all the tears were gone. I sat in the corner, ignoring everyone and just cried.

I cried for Phil. I cried because I would never see his smiling face, or hear his laugh, or make a video with him, or watch a movie with him. I cried because he was my best friend, my boyfriend and I loved him. I cried because it way my fault he was dead. I cried because it should have been me who was killed, not Phil.


	3. Chapter 3

**Three**

**One Week Later**

**Phil**

_Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep._

_Darkness surrounded me, chocking me. _

_All I could see was black. Everything was black. I couldn't move._

_Trapped._

_Where was I?_

_Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep._

_What is that beeping sound?_

_I tried to open my eyes, but I couldn't. The darkness was too heavy, I was too deep inside it to get out. But I had to get out. I had to see him again. _

_Phil. Phil. Phil._

_Who kept saying my name? Like they were calling me. Couldn't they see I couldn't get out? Couldn't they see I was trapped?_

_They kept calling my name. Over and over again. Why wouldn't they leave me alone?_

_The beeping stopped and so did the calling. Everything was silent again. Everything was black._

**Dan**

Since Tuesday- the day after I got back from the hospital- I was now living with Chris. I couldn't bare to be in that house. Where _it _happened. It reminded me too much of him. And I wanted to get away from it.

The video was posted the day we filmed it. I didn't bother to edit it. Why should I? I posted it on Phil's channel too, just in case there were fans of his that didn't watch me.

Most of the reactions were horror. I could see from the comments that a lot of people were upset. Very upset. Now they knew how I felt.

"Dan, come on, do you want to go out for a milkshake?" Chris asked, coming into 'my' room and smiling at me. Chris was being extra nice to me. None of his usual mean joking or anything. I missed it. I wanted the old Chris back. Just like I wanted Phil back.

"Sure." I said, getting up from the bed for the first time in days. I hadn't eaten in about 5 days, and it was showing. I was skinnier and my skin had lost almost all its colour. I literally couldn't eat, everything just made me want to vomit. Chris just blended up fruit and gave it to me, in his way of trying to make me eat something. Whenever he left the room, I would pour the drink down the sink. I also couldn't sleep. Whenever I did, I just had the same nightmare. I was just reliving that night. Over and over and over again.

I got changed into some new clothes after being in my pyjamas for a week or something and followed Chris outside. The light hurt me, but it made me feel refreshed. We walked there as it wasn't too far away. Chris tried to make conversation, but I didn't talk. I just walked beside him, watching the floor and occasionally looking up at the sky.

We reached the milkshake place and I ordered a mint milkshake. I didn't want it, and knew it would make me sick, but I did it to make Chris happy.

We both sat down and waited for our drinks in silence. Chris was on his phone, probably texting PJ or something as he kept glancing up at me every 2 seconds. Chris always reported to PJ about my every move.

"Chris, I'm fine. You don't have to worry with PJ about me." I sighed, putting my elbows on the table and resting my head in my hands.

Chris blushed, "Sorry... But Dan, you aren't taking this well. You haven't eaten in days and you hardly talk at all. I'm worried about you, mate. You know Phil wouldn't want you to be like this."

I bit my lip and closed my eyes, wishing I was anywhere but here. If Phil was alive, we wouldn't be in this mess. If Phil was alive, we would be at home feeding each other maltesers and just enjoying the company. If Phil was alive, I would have my best friend back. I missed him, so much you have no idea.

"How do you know what Phil would have wanted?" I whispered, opening one eye and watching Chris.

"Dan, he was one of my closest friends and he was the happiest person I knew. He wouldn't want you to be down because of him, he would hate himself if that happened."

I was about to respond when the milkshakes came. The woman placed the green drink in front of me and I watched it, disgust written all over my face. Chris took a sip of his chocolate milkshake and watched me as I hesitantly put the straw in my mouth and sucked up the liquid. I almost vomited. I knew this was a bad idea. I pushed the drink away from me and just people watched as Chris drunk his drink and then continued to drink the rest of mine.

There was a women talking loudly on a phone. Two teenagers making out in a booth, a man and a child laughing as they sucked their straws, an elderly couple sharing a milkshake and staring into each others eyes.

I smiled at them, would Phil and I have become like that? An elderly pair just enjoying each moment we had together? Most probably.

"Dan." Someone gasped. I glanced up to see a teenage girl, who looked around 19, frowning at me. Her dyed purple hair was tied up in a bun and she wore a loose fitted All Time Low shirt and skinny jeans. "My names Eliza. I'm... So _so _sorry." She whispered, "I'll go if you want me to..."

I smiled sadly at her and pulled her into a hug, "No, it's fine." I whispered back.

Eliza bit her lip, her blue eyes widening, "He saved me, you know that? I was long gone before I started watching his videos." She said it more to herself than to me. I watched as she began to scratch her wrist and caught on to what she was saying.

"Don't do it again, please. He wouldn't want you to do that." I muttered, pulling her into another hug.

She smiled at me and then waved slightly, "Bye." She whispered and then she was gone.

**Phil**

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

_Again with the beeping?_

_I felt like sighing, but I couldn't. I physically couldn't. _

_There was noise all around me. Everything was intensified by 100._

"_Is he going to be okay?" Someone asked._

_There was a pause before someone else replied, 'yes, but I don't know when he will wake up."_

_I felt my eyes flutter open and I was blinded by a bright light before they shut again. Someone gasped and I heard them rushing over to me._

"_Phil, can you hear us? Squeeze my hand if you can."_

_I tried to squeeze her hand and I heard them gasp. "Get Anderson now. He's awake." _


End file.
